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Opinion: I’ll Take A Buffalo Chicken Sandwich With a Side of You

Bart “Little Man” Olykowski I’ll tell you what boys of Deerfield, if you are looking for a great looking sandwich with an even better looking waitress, The Cubby Bear is…

Student Kicked Out of Football Game for Being at Football Game

By Armando Sallywiggs DEERFIELD, IL—After being under recent scrutiny for its rules about kicking students out of football games, Deerfield High School did not improve its image any better when…

Google to Release New “Google Google”

Tobin Strathmore With the recent release of Google subsidiaries such as Google Moon, Google Mars, and Google Jupiter’s 12th Moon, Internet search engine powerhouse, Google, just announced its newest project,…

Fan Hurts Kellen Winslow’s Feelings; Winslow Out For Season

By Dudley Tenfold Former University of Miami Hurricane star tight end Kellen Winslow made his entry into the NFL with a bang. And by bang, we mean he broke his…

Bush: “Wouldn’t It Be Ironic If We Were All Made of Iron”

By Yancey Buttsavage WASHINGTON—This quote comes as no shock to the American general public. The accidental wit and wisdom of our dear president has been taking this nation by storm,…

Man Carries Around iPod Excessively; Turns into an iPod

by Professor Jahn Katsnelson EVERYWHERE, ON EARTH– Howard “Cotton” Gin was just your average human being. He had a normal job that he loved, a wife that he loved dearly,…

Prince Charming Found to Actually Be Rather Obnoxious

BY KLAUS VAN KLISCKO A conspiracy this majestic has not hit the American public since the breakup of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. We’re very sorry, you’re both so pretty.…

Dr. Suess Proclaims Green Eggs and Ham Unhealthy

BY HUGH OPENGARDENER SANTA FE—In a recent press statement, Dr. Cornelius Suess, great nephew of the renowned author Dr. Suess, announced that consuming green eggs and ham together “is not…

Black Eyed Peas Want to Know What You’re Going to do With All that Junk

BY E. PETER WITZEN As part of a pop-culture jabberwocky, Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas posed a question that has beleaguered today’s young hip-hop fans. As part of their…

Hurry Potter: The New Ghetto Whiz

BY ISAAC HANIQUIN HOGWARTS-The well known wizard-in-training, Harry Potter, has decided to take a turn in his life after realizing that fighting Voldemort isn’t quite what it used to be…

Local Man Kills LaDainian Tomlinson After Poor Fantasy Performance

FLAGSTAFF ROBERTS SAN DIEGO—Four days ago, San Diego resident Rupert Vandermier was accused of the murder of LaDainian Tomlinson, star San Diego running back. “After that terrible performance in Week…

Congress Changes National Anthem to “Holla Back Girl”

BY GREGORY COLWEN In light of recent events and pop culture influences, the United States Congress has changed its national anthem to the ever-popular jabberwocky that is “Holla Back Girl.”…

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