Socialize

Dr. Suess Proclaims Green Eggs and Ham Unhealthy

BY HUGH OPENGARDENER

SANTA FE—In a recent press statement, Dr. Cornelius Suess, great nephew of the renowned author Dr. Suess, announced that consuming green eggs and ham together “is not what Atkins or Jared from Subway would advocate.”

The first point that was mentioned was that if the eggs were green, they most likely were not the best to be eaten. “Green eggs are either from a genetic mutation, or some cheap remake for Easter.”

Dr. Cornelius Suess, who is a doctor of nutrition, said that it really hurts him to go against his uncle’s book.

“Honestly, I’m not trying to give him a bad rap, but I’m just looking out for the community.”

He still very much advocates the possession of “cats in hats” and “going places” as well as making up words.

“I still ganarfle all the time, don’t worry.”

When asked the motivation to spearhead the research, he said it was sparked by the constant appearance of green eggs and ham at local Chipotle and Denny’s restaurants.

The FDA has decided that green eggs will be taken off the market, but the black market of green eggs and ham selling will indubitably continue.

“I’m gonna get my green eggs and ham one way or another,” said protestor Rex Fronk. “If they take ‘em off the market, well go back to getting them just like we did during the Vietnam War.”

The removal of green eggs and ham was approved indirectly by the local Rabbi Gordon Stein: “Either way, green eggs and ham are not kosher, so let bygones be bygones.”

As for now, bygones will be bygones, but the green eggs and ham debate will rage on.

December 1, 2008

Share This Post