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Local Kid Thinks He Can Just Make His Own Oil

Congress Changes National Anthem to “Holla Back Girl”

BY GREGORY COLWEN In light of recent events and pop culture influences, the United States Congress has changed its national anthem to the ever-popular jabberwocky that is “Holla Back Girl.”…

Self Conscious Teen Receives Children’s Menu

by Captain Underscoreboard It was a dark and stormy night. The pitter-patter of rain on the windowsill reminded the young stable boy how much work could be done if only…

Ricky Martin Found Living in Wyoming Cave

by Romulus Glenn CHEYENNE, WY—After what seemed to be a larger than life, but still expected, 15 minutes of fame, Latin music mogul Ricky Martin found himself atop the world.…

OK, Come on Teachers, What’s up With All This Homework?

By Melbo Azurky DEERFIELD- All right everyone, I’ve been going to school for all this time and I have a big question for all of you. What’s up with all…

I Really Don’t Know Which Super Power I Want

by Austin Graypad Recently, I have been asked about super heroes, or more specifically, super powers. What super power is the greatest super power of all? Well, as an M.D.…

Rock Paper Scissors Tourney Turns Catastrophic

STUDENT UNION-Hopes were up with a cycle 34 day lingering in the near future. But, little did we know that controversy would break out in the serene “Student Union.” A…

Student Council Only Does it For the Free Breakfast

By Satchel Cornspeaker DEERFIELD, IL- We all thought that those student council guys were good people. But just yesterday they proved us all wrong. President of the Student Council Emailing…

Igneous Rock Sells For 3.2 Million on Ebay

By Lloyd Samskadon SOMEHWHERE IN GREENLAND- The seller Tami Redvan really didn’t think anyone would buy her igneous rock. Thats why she put it up on Ebay. If you asked…

Mother Still Brags About “Cute” Bar Mitzvah Theme

HIGHLAND PARK- Mother of two from Highland Park, Illinois, Edith Rosensteinbergbaum is still bragging about her son’s cute bar mitzvah theme. This comment would not seem to outrage many people,…

Bald Man Receives Hair Transplants, Life Goes Haywire

by Rodney Eggsburg SAN ANTONIO- Times were tough. The economy was in shambles. The country was at war at all possible borders. And one bald man, Hans Bundleberry had had…

Dunkin’ Donuts Changes Name to Be Politically Correct

by Anfernee Van Tarkus MASSACHUSETTS-Leading donut and coffee provider Dunkin’ Donuts has announced that it is changing its name to ‘Donuts That You May Dunk If You Want To’ following…

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