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NSA Wiretapping Reveals Location of Jones’ Family Mother’s Day Brunch

BY USANSKIT WORTON WASHINGTON, D.C.— NSA intelligence yesterday revealed that they were aware of the location of the Jones’ family Mother’s Day Brunch. “We suspected that they may have been…

Local Man Arrested in Anti-Trust Suit

By Peter Panthroe DEERFIELD—A local man, who most Deerfield residents know simply as “The Monopoly Guy,” has been taken to court, and charged under the Sherman Anti-Trust Act. The supposed…

David Blaine Attempts the Ordinary! : Famed Magician to Tie Shoe and Whistle for 37 Hours Straight

BY FELTON S. W. ATMAN NEW YORK—Just yesterday, David Blaine started an event that would go down in the history when he began his attempt to tie his shoe and…

Pope Spearheads CIA Effort to Crack The Da Vinci Code

By Joaquin Finos WASHINGTON, D.C.—The CIA just recently announced that Pope Benedict will be heading up its division to decipher the enigma that we know as The Da Vinci Code.…

Local Journalist Forgets How to Write

Delusional Tic Tac Toe “Star” Demands Personalized Shoe Brand

By Ollie Boh Radley DENVER—The recently created Chicago professional Tic Tac Toe team, called “9 Box Chaos” is off to Denver, and their star player Ken “Knobby Fingers” Grank, is…

Apprentice Janitor at Zoo Remarkably Still Has Faith in Jesus

Dennis Colby, the man who won’t give up By Diego Goldfarb Salt Lake City, UTAH—Dennis Colby, 44, who was just hired as an apprentice janitor at Hogle Zoo has inspired…

Google to Release New “Google Google”

Tobin Strathmore With the recent release of Google subsidiaries such as Google Moon, Google Mars, and Google Jupiter’s 12th Moon, Internet search engine powerhouse, Google, just announced its newest project,…

Struggling Plastic Surgeon Performs Botox on Raisins, Astounds World, Fruit Community

By Commisioner Ike Trabajo Wheeling, West Virginia-Cosmetic surgeon Dr. Edward Hameletnius Wenteltenskin Thornstone has received accolades from the medical world for his recent innovations with raisin Botox procedures that bring…

Sixth Season of ‘24’ to Be Jack Bauer’s Day Off

By Rolf Kinder After the immense success of the newest fifth season of ‘24’ starring Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer, a sixth season is scheduled to come out. In’24,’ each…

Bonds on “Bonds on Bonds”

Barry Bonds Reviews His New Hot Reality Show BY BARRY LAMAR BONDS I’ve had success on the diamond, but with America’s changing culture, I want success in reality television. I…

Local Man Almost Runs Marathon

BY WARREN G. ISTHCHAMP It was a beautiful sunny day that evening as Boris Johnson sat on his couch watching “The Price is Right” reruns. “Yeah, I almost ran that…

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