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Local Man Kills LaDainian Tomlinson After Poor Fantasy Performance

FLAGSTAFF ROBERTS

SAN DIEGO—Four days ago, San Diego resident Rupert Vandermier was accused of the murder of LaDainian Tomlinson, star San Diego running back.

“After that terrible performance in Week 7, how could I have possibly just let that be?” reported the angry Vandermier. “He had it coming to him. Is he kidding me! Seven yards in seventeen attempts? Is that a joke? He only got me two fantasy points!”

Vandermier said nothing about denying the murder.

Members of Vandermier’s fantasy league and acquaintances said how annoyed he was.

“He didn’t eat for two weeks,” reported secretary Joanne Benfel.

“Yea, honestly, he didn’t eat for two weeks,” confirmed manager of The Buddha, Joe Howards.

After Week 7, Howards’ team The Bhudda took off. After he beat Vandermiers team, there was no hearing the end of it.

“All he would say to me is: ‘How about LTs Week 7 performance? Huh? Huh?’ I couldn’t stand it. It really got on my nerves,” said Vandermier.

The Flipside’s reporters had a word with the Tomlinson family. “He was getting what was coming to him. He made every member of the Tomlinson family put him on his team. He really let us down. He put a scar on the Tomlinson family name,” said great-grandmother Gathy Tomlinson.

Overall the sentiment regarding the Tomlinson incident is surprisingly upbeat. The Chargers have recovered and their second string running back, Michael Tuner, is picking up the slack as the Chargers charge toward the playoffs.

December 1, 2008

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