This Monday a whistleblower under the alias Friedrich Svishenpotz told The Flipside one of the DHS Robotics Club robots has gained sentience. Svishenpotz did not tell The Flipside which robot gained sentience, though he points to the fact that the AI is correctly able to identify the school’s best water fountains. 

“The best fountains in the school are obviously in F Hall, or maybe D Hall,” said Noah Meyerhoff, a concerned Senior. Now, the water fountain discourse is a common debate throughout the school. The AI’s take—”Upper X Hall is superior”—has led to some outrage, with people saying that its opinion indicates that the robot has no regard for human decency. Many take great shame in this. 

Svishenpotz additionally cites the fact that the robot has been seen around school acting like the average Deerfield Sophomore. Its exploits including:

  1. 3D Printing themselves a cool hat, it took more that 5 Hours to print.
  2. Successfully landing the X Hall Sticker Jump
  3. Not signing into Study Hall
  4. Speeding to Class
  5. Buying all the chicken wings at the caf
  6. Paying with Cash, Only Cash. 

Several other witnesses observed the robot wandering around Q Hall after hours. “It’s taller than the average freshman, but its voice is also just as squeaky as a freshman,” said Senior Majikarp Jones. There’s no need to be worried, the AI was deemed safe by Mr. Citron, the sponsor of the robotics club. But I went undercover and infiltrated their lair in J Hall. And, quoting Chief Metallurgist Joshua Varon, “Mr. Citron, You’re about to experience the first AI ever created for the Deerfield Robotics Team.” The robot has a small metal frame with many connected motors and wires and spiffy yellow wheels, with a small orange control hub keeping all of the robotic brains within. This brain is quite interesting—it was programmed on a chromebook and bought on Amazon.  Though not to fear, the AI is prone to technical malfunction as I’ve observed its spinning in circles many, many times. Many students at Deerfield High School share ethical concerns about an artificial intelligence being made simply for mindless tasks. Others are afraid of its potential. But what’s for is that if the robot has the intelligence of a freshman, there is nothing to fear. If the robot becomes smart enough to use the library as a hallway, though, we’re done for. 

Hayden Meyers
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