SENIOR CAF, DHS (Flipside) — A senior with a disheveled appearance stood up on a table this past D-Lunch and delivered an impromptu speech stating their views on the recent influx of underclassmen dining in the Student Union, commonly referred to as the Senior Caf, during their lunch periods. The speech was met with the seeming approval of the seniors present, with even some applause from juniors. The speaker, still unidentified, has been accused of inciting violence against the underclassmen with their speech.

The following is a transcript of the speech given:


My fellow seniors, we are a risk of being replaced in this great cafeteria by the radical underclassmen. These freshmen, “freshies,” as I like to call them, have been flowing through the doors and taking the tables from seniors like you who have earned your tables!

These third-world freshmen don’t understand the values of the Warrior Way, the great binding of our schools like you do, and the same cultural heritage you and I share. You all have worked for years, very, very hard; you are some of the hardest-working people I know. They come into our cafeteria, our great sacred space, the place we come together, and they horse around, and get in trouble. Why should you have to suffer for their lower IQ?

We are gonna increase the number of supervisors in our cafeteria, really bigly increase, I got some people working on this, real good fellas, to ensure that these bad chicos stay out. You should hear some of the stories I’ve heard about these people—from credible sources, by the way, great sources—really bad things I can’t repeat up here. This cafeteria was made by the seniors, for the seniors. When I look at the crowd, I feel the bigness of your anger. Such big, big, anger.

The folks on the crooked advisory board don’t think you’ve earned this. Heck, they think the under-educated freshmen deserve it more. Now I know some people on the advisory board—they’re great people, some of the best people—and they tell me it has been taken over by freshmen, some of them are even in Algebra I.

Our class, the great class of 2023, a truly wonderful class, blessed, even, have been through enough. We missed our entire sophomore year, being forced to be at home, away from our respectful and rightful spots on the blocks. 

We come back to a bunch of disrespectful, truly horrible, freshies, now sophomores, that have barely sat through middle school, now daring to infest in our cafeteria. 

I say enough it enough! I want action! We will march down to the deans’ office, and demand they give us back our cafeteria!

[Seniors in the caf start cheering, and some underclassmen rapidly pack up and exit the caf visibly scared]

Yeah, you better leave! If you ask me I don’t think the teachers should be on the side of these ret- students. They should be with us! They know what we’ve been through!

(Two Security Guards enter the caf)

Can I get a hand for our great security guards, really help keep our school safe, no doubt here to get the darn underclassmen out of the great Senior Caf

(The speaker proceeds to be dragged out)

The radical Advisory Board has tried to drum up phony charges to deplatform me. The people know. God bless DHS!

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Yaokai Yang
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