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Cheney: “He Was Getting Annoying” : The Shooting Incident You Didn’t Hear About

BY RONALD MCCORMICK WASHINGTON—In the past couple of weeks the media has been flooded with Dick Cheney stories and Dick Cheney jokes and Dick Cheney cartoons, but they all have the story wrong. In an interview given yesterday, the Vice President finally let the nation in on what…

FDA Approves Drug to Cure Senioritis

BY POLSTER HUE DEERFIELD—With the coming of the second semester, there have been an increased number of cases of Senioritis throughout Deerfield High School and other local communities. To help ease the problem before it becomes a pandemic, the FDA has announced that it will be releasing a…

Flipside Skips a Month, School in Chaos: Six Injured, One Arrested in Last Weeks Riots

BY RIOTO SUAVE DEERFIELD—Just last week, Deerfield High School experienced severe rioting when its satirical newspaper failed to come out last month. Estimates say that around 500 students were found protesting violently in the bus lobby with posters and chanting. Six students were injured in the protests and…

Local Synagogue Cantor Signs $4 Million Recording Contract with Sony

BY ANGEL GILMORE NORTHFIELD, IL—The North Shore Jewish community was stunned in a recent announcement that Andrea Zorenstein,…

Casimir Pulaski: The Great American Hero

Thank you, thank you Casimir. Your Polish heroics and dastardly deeds have granted us a holiday to celebrate…

Footbagging Makes a Kickback: The Real Hacky Sacking Story

BY RAZZLE D. FOLACKTIAN As the snow falls at the command of gravity, one group of young athletes…

MOVIES: Why couldn’t “Munich” be more about the Olympics?

By Bosco Cheyenne No wonder the holiday-season movies underperformed! I walked into the new Steven Spielberg film “Munich”…

NASA Sends a Man to Walmart

BY TASH HIPPORHOP Cape Canaveral, Fla.—Last March, President Bush decided after viewing the film The High Cost of…

Mazda’s Zoom Zoom Kid Gives Hope to the Little People:

The Story of James McGrozer in his Plight to Pointless Commercial Fame Fletcher B. Sillet LITTLE ROCK, AK-What…

Local Kid Just Wants to Play in the NBA

BY FERNANDO SMITH DEERFIELD—Just last week in a press statement, local teen Jeff Stafman announced that he wants…

Double Jointed Teen Fails to Impress Girls with “Double-Jointedness”

BY ROBIN DORF In a town of visually lackluster teenage boys, Stan van Flan discovered an unusual talent…

Dr. Seuss Tells it Like it Is

Dr. Seuss has been acclaimed for many of his children’s works. The reason for his genius is his…