BY POLSTER HUE

DEERFIELD—With the coming of the second semester, there have been an increased number of cases of Senioritis throughout Deerfield High School and other local communities.

To help ease the problem before it becomes a pandemic, the FDA has announced that it will be releasing a drug made specifically for Senioritis.

“We’re not looking to make miracles, and we’re not hoping for any either,” said Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D., top official of the FDA. “Senioritis starts at the brain, and works its way down the body from there. We have to act fast.”

School officials are excited about what the new drug can offer.”By getting our seniors hooked on drugs with positive effects, we might not only be able to curve this Senioritis pandemic, but also be able to offer the medicine as a positive drug alternative.”

Not everyone though feels that the drug will have positive effects, “When I first heard about Senioritis, I thought it meant that we’d be getting a load of Spanish señoritas as foreign exchange students,” said local DHS Senior Tony Carson, “and as far as this so-called drug is concerned, I oppose anything that prevents foreign girls from giggling at my wisecracks by the cafeteria heaters.”

The side effects of the drug are unknown, but they may include sore throat, nausea, and a list of three hundred others. Be on the lookout for Senioritis, whose symptoms include not caring at all and sweaty palms.

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