NORTHFIELD, IL—The North Shore Jewish community was stunned in a recent announcement that Andrea Zorenstein, cantor at Temple Jerebethtikvah, has signed a $4 million recording contract with Sony Entertainment.

“I’m not really entirely sure how it happened,” commented a stunned Zorenstein. “I was leading the congregation in Ein Kehloheinu when suddenly a man stood up in the congregation and yelled ‘That’s PERFECT!’ I was so shocked I didn’t know whether to continue in services or just stop and run and hide.”

The man turned out to be talent scout and producer, Al Slickhair, who was looking for new artists to make labels with Sony.

“Yeah, I just ended up at Temple. Not really sure why. I’m not Jewish or anything,” said Slickhair, adjusting his Aviator sunglasses and smacking his gum loudly. “Luckily Andrea was singing. I heard it and thought, ‘Hey, she can do almost anything with that voice. And what she can’t do, the magic of Sony Studio’s Voice Re-Mixer can.’”

Zorenstein, whose album is due out mid-March, is glad it happened. “On the whole, I feel happy with my work. The cover song, which is the opening prayer before the reading of the Haftorah, came out particularly well.”

Consumers are especially excited for the album. Zorenstein’s congregants have expressed a fond desire to purchase the album, and the majority of the Jewish community certainly will as well. There are, however, differing opinions.

“I can’t believe that guy walked into THAT synagogue,” angry congregant of Temple Shalom Israel Shabbat Artie Hobsonklein said. “Our cantor is great too. How come SHE gets a label and OURS doesn’t?” He stomped off angrily during the interview and was unable to be located to complete the interview later. Had he stayed, however, we’re sure he would have said other things to the effect of what he just said.

Life as a newly found star is difficult for Zorenstein as well. “Yeah, Al and I have had our differences,” she commented. “He wanted me to shorten my name to just ‘The Z’ and dress in clothes he picked up at Toys R Us in the Barbie doll aisle. You think I’m making that up? I wish.” Zorenstein then pulled out a mini-mini skirt and mini-tube top. “He tried getting me to wear make-up from that aisle as well, but luckily it’s all actually plastic. I’m not sure he understands that, though.”

On the whole, Zorenstein is excited and ready for her album to be released. Tours begin in L.A. in March and will continue throughout May. “It’s a great line-up,” Slickhair said while applying freakishly large amounts of hair gel. “We’re hittin’ Chicago with a little ‘Aleph Bet Vet’ and turning around and slapping New York with a little ‘Rock of Israel.’ Trust me, you don’t wanna miss this.”

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