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Opinion: “Well what if I want to be extinct?”

By Shi “The Rock” Shi San Diego Zoo—I can’t do it. I’m sorry America. I’m sorry China, and I’m sorry to all of the patrons at the San Diego Zoo.…

Citing Lack of Presidential Achievement, Bush Unifies the Dakotas

By Winston Llental Recently, immediately after realizing that he was indeed President, George W. Bush also realized that his time in office was running out. Looking back on his tenure…

Tennis Superstar Parents Unimpressed by Son’s Artistic Talent

By Huey Caquest Husband and wife Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf are known worldwide for their tennis talent and prowess on the court. But with the four and a half…

Barry Bonds Tests Positive for Spinach

By Vernon Zexis SAN FRANCISCO—After numerous steroid allegations that have been placed upon San Francisco Giants’ left fielder Barry Bonds since the 2001 season, Major League Baseball today realized they…

FDA Approves Drug to Cure Senioritis

BY POLSTER HUE DEERFIELD—With the coming of the second semester, there have been an increased number of cases of Senioritis throughout Deerfield High School and other local communities. To help…