By: Harvey Boone

It was inevitable; at 5:13 pm on Tuesday, December 18th, 2007, Lawrence J. Haywater, a fifth-year senior, officially filed a class action lawsuit against Deerfield High School. He claimed that the high school has been continually bias towards right handed students “for at least five years” and that there are no left-handed desks in the entire school, data he (a lefty himself) considers “Staggering and infuriating.”

Deerfield claims that they were simply reaching out to the majority, but Haywater will have none of that. “They can say whatever they want, but I know that I have been without a place to put my arm when I write for nine semesters too long!”

Will justice be served? Well, that is up to the presiding judge. He explains, “I see where he is getting at, but I just don’t know if there is enough evidence to deliver a blow to DHS.” Haywater was quick to respond, telling reporters that “the judge must be crazy if the number zero is not enough evidence!”

He has already fired his first four lawyers, alleging that “none of them could understand just how uncomfortable those dang desks were for left handed adolescents like me!” Luckily for him, he has recently stumbled upon a law firm supplying southpaws like him. “They really feel my pain,” he slips to the media.

If Haywater wins, there is only one thing he wants: equality. “There is nothing I want more than to see left-handers with an equal opportunity as righties do to succeed.”

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