By Peter Panthroe
DEERFIELD—A local man, who most Deerfield residents know simply as “The Monopoly Guy,” has been taken to court, and charged under the Sherman Anti-Trust Act. The supposed victim of the crime, Mr. Thimble, has alleged that Mr. Monopoly, in fact, owned Marvin Gardens, Atlantic Avenue, and Ventnor Avenue, and has built a total of three houses on each, and there were talks of bringing in multiple hotels, which would have cost an astonishing one-hundred and fifty dollars.
If he plans to build hotels, he would be investigated as guilty of Monopolistic behavior, and would serve time in jail. If convicted he would go to jail, directly to jail, not stopping to pass “Go,” and certainly not stopping to collect any sum of money, let alone $200.
When asked how Mr. Monopoly gained all of this land, Mr. Thimble angrily replied, “Well, I think that it may have something to do with the fact that Mr. Top Hat traded away Marvin Gardens, Atlantic Avenue, and the Waterworks just to get Park Place, which he didn’t even have enough freakin’ money to put houses on.”
In court it is still not positive in what direction the defense is moving. Mr. Thom Jenkins, head attorney for the prosecution stated, “We aren’t sure where the defense is going. There are talks of rolling doubles, but that will keep him tied up for a while. $50 is a lot of money for a man in his position to pay, so I’m not sure that they want to do that. There is a chance that they’ve got a get out of jail free card in there, but that is unlikely.”
Overall the court case has not been going well for Mr. Monopoly, in fact, even the money he made is now gone. “I took all the money I gained off Marvin Gardens, and I bought a Gold Monocle. It seemed like a good idea at the time,” said the defendant. “I have given so much to this city, good housing, great hotels, and most of all free parking, but they want to see me in jail. Those ungrateful bastards.” According to a recent poll, 24% of residents think that he is guilty, 16% think that he is innocent, and the other 45% just want to know whether or not he is bald under that top hat.
The court date is set for a week from now, and things look good for Mr. Monopoly in this case. Sadly, “get out of jail free” cards will not help him in his other non-related offence, sexual assault.