I’ve Never Been This Excited For Halloween

By Shrek Johnson Yeah, I know I changed my name to make…

Water Found on Saturn Leads to Restaurant Constructions by 2009

By Troy Newmanns SATURN—Recent discoveries through NASA’s many telescopes have led to…

Bush: “Wouldn’t It Be Ironic If We Were All Made of Iron”

By Yancey Buttsavage WASHINGTON—This quote comes as no shock to the American…

Man Carries Around iPod Excessively; Turns into an iPod

by Professor Jahn Katsnelson EVERYWHERE, ON EARTH– Howard “Cotton” Gin was just…

Local Student Remembers How He Almost Failed a Recorder Test

DEERFIELD- Tony Bafstander, 16 year old, Deerfield resident, reflects on his rough…

McDonald’s Scandal Uncovered

False McAdvertising Leads to McControversy McDonald’s, an All-American company with an All-American…

Cheney: “He Was Getting Annoying” : The Shooting Incident You Didn’t Hear About

BY RONALD MCCORMICK WASHINGTON—In the past couple of weeks the media has…

FDA Approves Drug to Cure Senioritis

BY POLSTER HUE DEERFIELD—With the coming of the second semester, there have…

Flipside Skips a Month, School in Chaos: Six Injured, One Arrested in Last Weeks Riots

BY RIOTO SUAVE DEERFIELD—Just last week, Deerfield High School experienced severe rioting…

Local Synagogue Cantor Signs $4 Million Recording Contract with Sony

BY ANGEL GILMORE NORTHFIELD, IL—The North Shore Jewish community was stunned in…

Casimir Pulaski: The Great American Hero

Thank you, thank you Casimir. Your Polish heroics and dastardly deeds have…

Footbagging Makes a Kickback: The Real Hacky Sacking Story

BY RAZZLE D. FOLACKTIAN As the snow falls at the command of…