Socialize

Student Receives 37 on Prairie State ACT, Dream School Doesn’t Accept Score

High school junior Will S. Cohr received the world’s first 37 on the ACT after a stroke of luck and a full hour of sucking up to the proctor. However, the unbelievable score has proved to be completely useless due to the fact that Coh’rs dream school, Wilson University, refused to accept the 37 without the writing score. School officials are not concerned that Cohr’s dreams are crushed and think that writing isn’t important anymore because robots will start writing student’s papers anyway.

The path to the now null 37 was not easy; Cohr had a very unorthodox schedule for preparing for his ACT test. He does something called “studying.” Cohr says “Studying is this thing where I look on Wikipedia to learn everything.” This practice has been taken up by other people who are currently in the 36 Club—DHS students everyone likes. In addition to studying, Cohr uses a “correctly dosed” “prescription” of Adderall as “stated” by his “doctor.” Cohr gave us this statement when responding to the possible illegality of the drug, “This drug isn’t, OMG a butterfly. Oh wait, it’s just Chuck Testa.” In addition to the Adderall, Cohr gets an additional three hours of time to finish the test because he is “unable to focus.” Just like in the real world, people like Cohr get extended deadlines and tax breaks because they suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder. A surprising 20% of DHS suffers from ADD, while the national average at high schools is only 3%. Cohr attributes the fact to “those super boring Shakespeare books we read in class. We all just SparkNotes it when we go home, anyway.”

Cohr clearly worked very hard for his 37, and everyone was sorely disappointed when they heard it wouldn’t count. “Sucks for him,” said fellow junior Louis Mills, who then began a rant about why he should get extended time too because he thinks he’s allergic to Scantrons.

Although the much adored 36 Club sits atop the social pyramid at DHS, the co-vice president’s executive assistant Jacqueline Poussin of the “extras” committee, has a positive outlook on her college prospects. “I might have only gotten a 28 on my ACT, but I’ll just make it up with new extra-curricular clubs.” She recently created “The 99% (of the school that is the top 1% of the country club), which meets every other leap year if the groundhog sees its shadow. Such prestigious clubs are backed by the Athletics Department where creativity can flourish and numbers aren’t everything. Wilson University disagrees. Head of Admissions, Dr. Jack Mehoff, issued a statement saying, “If numbers aren’t everything, someone would have Tweeted it.”

July 29, 2012

Share This Post