A recent epidemic has caused panic among medical professionals at DHS. An unprecedented number of cases of Senioritis, a dangerous disease which can be deadly to the GPA, have been reported among lower classmen.

Terry Gillsman, a school nurse and therefore an expert in all fields of maladies detectable with a basic thermometer, told the Filpside why this is such a cause for concern: “Senioritis, like chickenpox, is a disease which can have dramatically different effects on victims of different ages. Among second semester seniors, it is relatively harmless because they have usually built up immunity to high school grades by being accepted into college. But for underclassmen, it can destroy their school life, critically impacting the GPA and transcript, sometimes lethally so.”

The disease is highly contagious; it can spread within a social group in a matter of minutes. Much like the flu, it is most often carried on the air along with words like “why are you doing that essay, you already got into college.” Because of this, many cases have been quarantined in an effort to prevent the disease from spreading further.

Max Bunch, a junior diagnosed with Senioritis earlier this month, told reporters from within a plastic bubble, “honestly, I don’t really care. I mean, it’s just high school. I’m too busy to do schoolwork anyway.” Max proceeded to finish the campaign mode of Call of Duty for the twelfth time that day.

With the disease on the rise, doctors are urging preventative action. It is recommended that students do their homework regularly and constantly stress about the future: college, career, anything to prevent the disease from taking root. Wash your hands of all thoughts of a social life regularly and cover your mouth when you complain about teachers assigning unfair amounts of work; realize that it’s for your own good.

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