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How the Grinch Stole Christmas (As told by mall security)

By Saul Brown, Mall Cop

I’ve known Alexander Grinch for about 8 years now. He used to be a real great kid. He and his friends would come here every weekend, just walking around the mall. I would watch them while I shined by security badge (you gotta look sharp) and I would sometimes even let them take doughnuts from the very secret security office that is conveniently located next to the bathrooms.

Around the holidays, they would sing Christmas carols for all of the shoppers and the Whoville Police would sometimes come and watch (who do those guys think they are?). Ah, those were the days. Whenever they would come to the mall, they would buy themselves huge Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. I heard that’s what gave Grinch his heart attack at age 16. He had to go into emergency heart surgery to undo all of the damage that those dang pretzels had done. The doc­tors had to shrink his heart TWICE so that Grinch could live. When he returned to the mall, he was a changed guy.

First off, he was green and furry. I am no medical professional, but that was probably my first hint that something was off about him. His friends continued to sing Christmas carols, but Grinch was noticeably absent. One day, he even came by with green eggs and ham and threw them at all of his old friends. Man, that was a pain to clean up. Where do you get green eggs, anyway?!

Ever since then, he has been a real grump. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that he stole Christmas. I saw him come into the mall last Thurs­day, looking his usual sour self. And then, I see him walk up to the Christmas display at Macy’s. And he just takes it. Puts it in his pocket and walks out. I mean, he just stole Christmas. Like it was a normal thing to do. I rode my Segway over to him as fast as I could, but he was just too sneaky. Now, if Grinch was smart, he would sell that puppy on eBay. People go crazy for those big-ticket items. For instance, I sold this North Face that I found in the lost and found for $30 last year. I can’t imagine how much he’ll get for Christmas!

(Note: I can imagine and my guess is around $83 plus shipping and handling.)

December 18, 2010

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