By Buford Stetson
DEERFIELD, IL – Osama Bin Laden was found hiding on the dance floor this past weekend at the Deerfield High School turnabout. When asked how he chose his hiding place, Bin Laden simply responded, “I figured it was the last place anyone would be seen.”
Deerfield High School Administration celebrated when students turned Bin Laden in to local security guards. “I just can’t believe it! Here at our very own dance, we get to witness history. Students! Real Students! Dancing, even!” stated Principal Audrey Gryffindor.
The impressive turnout at the dance can largely be attributed to the fact that there is quite simply, “Nothing else to do in Deerfield,” as local Junior David Goldberg stated. Amongst other reasons for attendance were school spirit, social rebellion, and forced attendance by angry parents who refuse to support the immaturity of teens who skip the dance to have fun.
After Bin Laden was captured, he was willing to confess his former hiding places in hopes of mercy from the American Government, which still claims that waterboarding is not torture. Apparently the terrorist felt that remote caves were to obvious, and instead resorted to deserted social locations. Amongst other locations, Northbrook Court and Brunswick Zone were cited as temporary hideouts for Bin Laden immediately preceding his appearance at turnabout. Bin Laden stated no regrets, other than his apparel choice to the dance. When asked for further information, he stated, “I had no idea what semi-formal meant! I wasn’t sure if that meant there would be a compromise on the food or the clothing.” Bin Laden’s choice of a tuxedo t-shirt was ineffective at helping him hide.