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Super Bowl Makes Tuesday Fatter

By Buford Stetson
MIAMI, FL — As Tracy Porter intercepted Petyon Manning’s pass late in the fourth quarter and ran it back for a touchdown, I was quick to realize two things. For starters, it meant that my gambling addiction had finally yielded a reward. After betting on everything from to coin toss, to the number of television appearances of Kim Kardashian (which was surprisingly zero!), to the odds of a player, or Pete Townshend, being carted off the field, I finally won a bet. After sticking to my philosophy that any bet with the odds of are 10,000 to one is worth taking, my purse of 40 dollars from the game of squares almost compensated my 56 dollars in expenses. But this miraculous occurrence seemed mundane compared to the next thing that I realized: Peyton Manning had thrown the Super Bowl.
Petyon Manning does not throw interceptions. Peyton always performs well under pressure, and with his father watching Peyton’s drive ensured a dramatic comeback. But there was one flaw in this comeback: Peyton was playing for far more than a football game. Manning had a list of reasons to throw the Super Bowl, and they were on everyone’s minds. After Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans in 2005, the city and the economy experienced lasting effects. Peyton understood what a Super Bowl victory meant to New Orleans: a chance to celebrate the town and finally begin their recovery process. Peyton also understood what the Super Bowl meant to him: a chance to celebrate the most epic Mardi Gras of all time. New Orleans is currently feeling the effects of the most elaborate party coordination in history. A recipe of a Super Bowl victory two days away from Fat Tuesday, an incredibly lenient and non-existent police force, and famous streets named after alcoholic beverages could only create one delicious confection: the anti-Friday night in Deerfield. Said Peyton on Tuesday, “Dude! Totally worth it! This is the craziest party I’ve ever been to, and trust me: I’ve been to some crazy parties. I’ve literally got beads of sweat rolling down my face if you know what I’m saying.”
But apparently, the story digs even deeper. Spotted alongside Manning in the French Quarter was Minnesota Vikings Quarterback Brett Favre. Amidst a group singing of “Party in the USA,” Favre was quoted as saying to Peyton, “It was all totally worth it man! I mean the interception in the NFC Championship was embarrassing, but at least it means I’ll get to retire and then unretire and play next year! I may be old, but I can still take the shots if you know what I’m saying.” The two then exchanged an elaborate handshake and continued nodding their heads like “yeah.” So, maybe football really is just a game. Maybe the Super Bowl isn’t as important as we all deem it to be. When push comes to shove, it’s all up to the players if you know what I’m saying.

February 15, 2010

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