By Buford Stetson
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a press release last Friday, the United States Government officially deemed history classes “as useful as the pledge of allegiance in homeroom.” The government then continued fulfilling their other duties, such as watching the Olympics and interrupting random speeches with frequent applause.
As of now, some people have forgotten why history was ever considered important in the first place. Said (ex) historian Kenneth Barnes, “We can use history to learn from the past and guide future actions. History is really the compelling story of our world.” Well I’ve got news for you Kenneth. You’re now unemployed, and that story sucked. I find nothing amusing about Paul Revere’s role in the American Revolution. That story stunk more than the children’s instructional DVD, one if by urinal, two if by stall.
History teachers across the nation protested immediately upon hearing news of the government’s press release. Unfortunately, never before in history had history classes been declared useless, so history teachers decided to do nothing. Said Peoria High School’s social studies department chair George Smitherton, “We did exactly what history told us to do. Nothing. Can’t you see how useful history is?”
In response, math department chair Charles Ells chuckled based on the equation y=1.67e.04x, and English department chair Anna Falses analyzed the sentiment of the history teachers as pertinent to the emerging themes of the year.
History students gave mixed responses to the declaration. Said South North High School Sophomore Lynette Klein, “Well I’m in AP Psych so I understand where they’re coming from. They’re suppressing their true rationale for getting rid of history classes because they struggled in history as high schoolers. They may not know it, but I do. Trust Me. Did I Mention I’m in AP Psych?”
Said Senior Jacob Bertolli, “I think it’s pretty sweet. World history was my only class, so now I have like 8 free periods. I can, like, sleep in really late. And leave really early. And I might even graduate now that I don’t have to pass that stupid constitution test.”
Regardless of perspective, today marks a momentous occasion that will certainly not go down in history. Now we can all just forget about the Bush Administration, the Tonkin Gulf Resolution, and Sarah Palin. Maybe we will remember her son, Trig, but math might be next to go.

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