By Burford Stetson

IDIJAMAMA, ZIMBABWE – Just last week, Zimbabwean government passed a legislative act outlawing “the possession, use, and/or distribution of marijuana and/or marijuana products.” This landmark new law is tremendously momentous for two reasons. For one, I’m pretty sure Zimbabwe doesn’t have a government. Secondly, the act of legislation singlehandedly ceased the persistent dilemma of starvation for the country.

Apparently, Zimbabweans had consumed so many marijuana drugs that they just had the munchies all the time. Said newly sober Idijamama resident Tyreek Mutzumbo, “You know, maybe we shoulda thought of this long ago. Now we have plenty of food. I mean we do live in the jungle after all. When we said starving, we really just meant that we could use a McDonald’s or two around here.”

Now you, amongst ignorant others, might be asking yourself, “What does this have to do with me?” Then again you only bought your “Save Darfur” T-Shirt because you thought it said “Save Ferris” (Who is Darfur?). In actuality, this has everything to do with you. This recent upturn in Zimbabwean society should prove to have a grand effect on American culture. A recent study showed that 90% of white Americans attempt to emulate black culture in order to make themselves seem cool. If you don’t believe me, take a look at all the Deerfield High students wearing Air Force ones while raising the roof to some Lil’ Wayne. No ceilings! How else do you think Barack Obama is going to bring “Change?” He doesn’t have a super majority, but he as a super cool culture.

Now that marijuana has seen a sharp decline in African culture, expect its popularity to immensely decrease in the United States. And don’t expect McDonald’s to stay in business much longer. Now, finally, we can go to Burger King like I always suggest to my friends. And I can eat my food as wastefully as I please, without arrogant, self-proclaimed “philanthropists” expecting me to ship my leftovers to the starving kids in Africa.

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