By Owen Trentonite
NEW YORK, NEW YORK—In a sad scene yesterday, the local animal rights group Rights For Animals helped convict a felon on a repeat charge for cruelty to balloon animals.
“We help animals of all types,” said spokeswoman Joanne Gerfunk. “I don’t care if it’s a lion or a cat or a dog or a porcupine or a mosquito or a bumblebee or a termite or a balloon animal, we here at Rights For Animals are dedicated to helping them.” She paused dramatically, “If we don’t help them, who will?”
This has been the question Balloon-Animal Rights Activists have been trying to answer for years. There has been much activism in trying to calm cruelty to balloon animals. There have been repeated ad campaigns and mime tours, but it really didn’t seem to get through to some of those terrible people.
“A disproportionate amount of the balloon-animal abusers were clowns and children in the under ten set,” reports Ballon-Animal Rights research Todd Venderven. “The most common abuse has been brutal twisting of body parts, poking with sharp objects, popping, and throwing away.”
“The way I look at it,” says concerned teenager Lin Oligander, “If you wouldn’t do it to a human, why would you do it to a balloon-animal? We are all animals if you look at it biologically, and they probably have much of the same DNA as us.”
The man arrested, Joey Jones, was a five time repeat offender. Jones, a seven year old, has been convicted to half an hour of chores and a paper saying why he should stop being violent.
Bozo was also arrested for abetting the crime by providing the illegal balloon animals abusing goods such as a pin and permanent marker.