DEERFIELD, IL–Everyone knows the school’s been going through some rough times. The referendum last year failed to pass, many irreplaceable teachers retired, and many of the students are questioning where the school is directing its funding. Unfortunately, all of these abuses have had a horribly damaging effect on the school’s already existing psychological problems.

Those close to the school have recommended that it invest its time and money instead to seek professional help for these issues, but the school remains adamant that it is perfectly capable of dealing with its own problems.

Despite its resistance, the school has decided that a much more profitable way for it to work through its problems is to discuss them with students during Wednesday Homeroom, a time otherwise devoted to ignoring announcements and hoping that an hour’s worth of math homework can actually be completed in ten minutes.

“It’s not like they’re doing anything useful in that time,” said the school in a statement, “I just think that every now and then I deserve some time to talk about my problems. I always listen to the students saying how so-and-so was bullying him or how she has too much homework, but when I want to talk about my budget no one seems to want to listen.”

Jeff Paxton, a junior helping the school through this mid-life crisis, is getting frustrated with the everyday mood swings and constant demands. “I’m all for listening to your friends, but the school is just so pushy! You can’t even give it a little advice without having your head ripped off about how ‘there’s no room in the budget for that’ and ‘but that wouldn’t work with my new locker do’ or something crazy like that. I like the school, but seriously, it needs professional help to deal with its problems, not a bunch of new freshmen.”

“It’s just so hurtful,” said the school, crying. “And I can’t even afford professional help because they wouldn’t give me my referendum!”

Others speculate that these monetary requests are due to the schools recent 50th birthday. The school seems to have gotten slightly more self-conscious now that its floors are getting yellower and the ceilings won’t stop leaking.

When asked about the money spent on the new turf, the school said, “Well I have to look my best for the jocks!” and offered no further comment.

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