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Outbreak of Senioritis Worries Doctors, Teachers at DHS

A recent epidemic has caused panic among medical professionals at DHS. An unprecedented number of cases of Senioritis, a dangerous disease which can be deadly to the GPA, have been…

Student Fears He Might Be Republican, Rejected By Family and Friends

It’s that magical time again, the presidential primaries! For most students this means the wonder of listening to Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin and laughing derisively at the face of…

Ministry Tries to Fill Positions, Looks to Potter

By Elodin LONDON, ENGLAND–With the war against You-Know-Who finally over and life returning to normal for the majority of the wizarding community, the Ministry of Magic is in utter disarray.…

Justin Bieber Announces Plan to Go Metal

LOS ANGELES, CA–Teen hair icon and “singing” sensation Justin Bieber announced in a recent statement that he is in the process of recording a new single which, he claims, will…

School Just Wants to Talk About Its Issues

DEERFIELD, IL–Everyone knows the school’s been going through some rough times. The referendum last year failed to pass, many irreplaceable teachers retired, and many of the students are questioning where…