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Justin Bieber Announces Plan to Go Metal

LOS ANGELES, CA–Teen hair icon and “singing” sensation Justin Bieber announced in a recent statement that he is in the process of recording a new single which, he claims, will completely revolutionize his image.

“I used to make a bunch of really simple pop songs,” the young Canadian explained. “But I think it’s time I expanded my horizons. This time, I’ve decided to record my first metal song.”

Reports indicate that Bieber’s entrance into puberty has also played a role in this surprising career turn. The new “changes” were making it harder for JBiebz to hit those high notes over and over again, so his producers are hoping that the screaming will cover up the voice cracks.

In a separate interview, Bieber explained that, “I know the song is metal because it has a guitar in it. An electric guitar. I even had my producer put some distortion in it. That’s just how I roll, I like to push the envelope. Also, I’ve gotten way more complex with my lyrics. In previous songs, like ‘Baby,’ the chorus was catchy, but not very imaginative. This song, which will be called ‘Puppy Love’ has two words in the chorus. That’s right, two whole words!”

A ripe mix of apprehension and excitement await the debut of this sure-to-be revolutionizing song, but one thing is for certain: with or without a hit, Bieber will still be able to maintain control over his army of zombie-fangirls with just a glance out of those dreamy eyes and a swish of that ungelled hair.

October 9, 2011

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