By George Minkowski

DEERFIELD– Tuesday after school, judges went around the building to decide which homeroom built the best can-struction. Most of them were made from dented cans of cream of celery, a food that the West Deerfield Township Food Pantry reports having a surplus of for 12 years in a row. Spoiler alert! The winner of the competition will be the homeroom who didn’t get their cans from the botchulism aisle at CostCo.
Betsy Lander of the Food Pantry is always excited with the amount of participation in the community. However, she wishes more Deerfield citizens would cough up Chunky soup instead of Ramen and cream of celery.
“We really appreciate all the help we’ve gotten,” Betsy says. “But I think our families would appreciate some food that can actually be served for dinner, not as a garnish for eating old Ugg boots.”
“But we really are grateful,” she adds.
Those who actually have had the displeasure of eating cream of celery would not be as grateful. They report eating it is like eating liquid sadness. The sensation of almost throwing up is synonymous with that of eating cream of celery. For this reason, it’s shocking that virtually every charitable family in Deerfield has at one point bought a can or two of cream of celery, decided not to use it, and then donated it to a student collecting cans for the local food shelter.
Employees at the food shelter find the fact that this happens every year baffling. Deerfield citizens, on the other hand, are just happy to have helped.
“I wouldn’t say I am like a saint or anything, but I did just donate a can of cream of celery, 10 pounds of Ramen, and 3 cans of huitlacoche. Whatever that is,” Deerfield resident Devin Haber tells Flipside reporters. Although that may seem like a lot, Devin’s donation amounted to $4.00 which is only a fraction of a price you would have to pay any sane person to eat cream of celery. By the way, Devin’s yearly salary is $300,000 and this canned food drive only happens once a year.
Although Devin’s donation of a can of cream of celery won’t do much good for helping people, it may be useful as a pesticide. The food pantry has been looking for a way to exterminate the rodents and insects that feast on the pickled cow’s tongue, the pantry’s fourth most plentiful food. Behind Ramen flavored Ramen, canned dehydrated leftovers, and you guessed it, cream of celery.

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