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School Freezes Due to Gum in Heaters

Hell has finally frozen over. Well, I guess that’s only if you call school hell. Students came to school Monday into a frenzy, as they walked through the doors to find the ground coated in a blanket of snow and icicles dangling from the ceiling. As fingers started to turn blue, students wondered what could have possibly happened. Turns out, the students caused their own demise.
Lazy students had put so much gum in the heaters; they had blocked any heat from getting to the school. So, while the bottom sides of thousands of pieces of gum were getting toasty, the rest of the school was falling to Mother Nature’s wrath.
“I never knew the damage I was doing,” said concerned Senior Jeffrey Stein, “It’s crazy to think that just a few more steps to the garbage can could have prevented this.” He added, “I was just trying to be respectful. I couldn’t just walk in front of the whole class to the garbage, because everybody would totally laugh at me. The only options were in the heater and under my desk, and under the desk was so two decades ago.” Two decades ago is coincidently when many of the teachers here first starting chewing their first piece of stride gum.
Soon after, Jeff was rushed to the hospital with severe pneumonia. Our thoughts are with him.
The district refused to cancel school, on the basis of “seriously?” Many students throughout the day who were not prepared often huddled together for warmth, while other, more prepared students yelled at them for clumping. After yelling, they marveled at the fact that they could see their breath inside the school. No word yet as to how long the school will remain in a wintery freeze.
It may take days, weeks, perhaps even months to get the heaters clear of several years worth of sticky, chewed, and now very warm gum. What we do know, however, judging from the past experiences at the school, is that the students will definitely not learn from their mistakes.

October 24, 2009

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