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School Congratulates Everyone on Being “Blue Ribbon” Except for Area Loser

By George Minkowski
DEERFIELD— As we all know, Deerfield High School was recently honored by being recognized as one of 314 Blue Ribbon Schools for 2009. Teachers and administrators alike are congratulating the student body on their accomplishment with the exception of Sophomore Jack Benson who “deserves absolutely no congratulations because he couldn’t have done less to win this award.”
DHS was given this award, in part, for achieving in the top 10% of the state and consistently meeting Yearly Adequate Progress, or AYP, in reading and mathematics. Jack Benson played no role in this. Jack consistently performs in the bottom 10% of the state and never meets Yearly Adequate Progress, or AYP, because he totally sucks at reading and mathematics.
The U.S. Department of Education says that they were incredibly impressed with all non-Jack Benson Deerfield students. They acknowledge our school’s academic excellence, but want to make it abundantly clear that Jack Benson of 907 Maple Lane has made little to no contribution to Deerfield’s success. Furthermore, the U.S. Department of Education believes that Jack Benson’s parents should be seriously disappointed in Jack and ought to be asking themselves what Jack is even doing in school.
The Deerfield Administration has taken these words to heart. When passing out free cupcakes during the lunch periods to congratulate students, they made sure they didn’t hand one out to Jack Benson. Those passing out the cupcakes were reported to have told several students that if they couldn’t finish the cupcake, they should through it out so Jack Benson couldn’t get his “grubby little hands on them.”
These aren’t the only actions taken to ensure that Jack wasn’t unrightfully praised for exemplary achievement. The congratulatory e-mail was sent to everyone in the school but him. Jack received a special “We hate you. Love, DHS” e-mail. He was also forced to wait in the hall as the student body was thanked by the faculty via TV during homeroom.
“I’m sorry,” Jack explains to Flipside reporters. “I didn’t know my scores on the PSAE mattered.” Apology not accepted, Jack. Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided not to be academically superior or demonstrate dramatic gains in achievement.

October 23, 2009

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