By Jeremy Hoodaman
Illinois is among the nation’s leading agricultural states, exporting numerous crops such as corn, cattle, and corrupt politicians. In fact, our fine state is the leading producer of soybeans. (500 million bushels in 2004. Woot Woot!) Now I don’t know about you, but all these agricultural statistics get me kind of excited. So today, I decided to roll up my sleeves, get my hands dirty, and work the plow… in a fabulous Facebook game known as Farmville. What? You thought I was gonna leave my computer chair?
The game first prompts me to choose my gender, and I choose a boy because I’m a boy. I’ve got an adorable blonde mop top and an outrageously disproportional head. The music reminds me of my fourth grade musical. This game is literally oozing of cuteness, and it’s making me a little nauseous. I’m presented with my farm, complete with several patches of crops. Apparently there’s no “hire minimum wage workers” button, so I have to do the harvesting by myself. Upon picking some beautifully plump eggplants, I gain 88 gold coins, and I immediately win 30 coins in the daily raffle. The farm Gods obviously must be smiling upon me. Hopefully I don’t have to sacrifice one of my cows to please them.
It’s time for me to plant some new crops. In the spirit of Illinois, I plant some soybeans, but they don’t grow. I wait thirty seconds, but they’re still not growing. Then the game tells me I have to wait several days until the crops grow! Well, now I know what I’m doing on Friday and Saturday. This is going to be the best Homecoming ever!
I sadly realize that I have no neighbors in Farmville. Apparently my loneliness and inability to maintain meaningful relationships even translates into Facebook games. Shucks. To solidify my reclusive status, I put up a couple signs that say, among other things, “No Trespassing”, “Free Swine Flu,” and “I hated ‘The Dark Knight’.” That should do it.
Now it’s time to go to the market to buy the sheep my parents never agreed to get me. But when I attempt to purchase my soon-to-be lamb chops/wool coat, I’m notified that I don’t have nearly the coins required! What to do now… “Add coins & cash?” Yes! Apparently I can get 70,600 coins, without a bit of work… for forty dollars. Forty real dollars. I’m supposed to pay these people forty bucks to buy virtual food. Then I’m supposed to persuade my friends to join Farmville, and get them to buy virtual food too? Sounds reasonable enough. I’m about to drop some hard earned cash on a sweet tractor. I wonder how many babes I’ll score with this sweet ride.
As I walk through my field, surveying all my good work, I suddenly hear a voice softly whisper, “If you build it, he will come”. Long story short, I replace the cornfield with a baseball field, meet the 1919 White Sox, and play catch with my deceased father. And I’m nominated for three Academy Awards.
By Jeremy Hoodaman