By Gunther Hausman
NEW YORK CITY– For 31 years now, the iconic Andy Rooney has been closing the news show 60 Minutes with his insightful take on social, economic, and political happenings. However, it has become evident in recent years that the wrinkly Rooney has been loosing touch with his demographic. (Mainly because they’re all asleep by 4 pm now)
Head honchos at CBS have been aware of the downward trend in Rooney’s approval rating and sanity. According to a press-release, CBS executives have been trying to phase Andy Rooney out for some time now using tactics such as firing him, and once again, firing him.
But despite Rooney’s lack of employment at CBS, he continues to be given a few minutes at the end of each program to embarrass himself, the network, and the actual reporters that preceded him in the show.
Rooney’s steadfast disregard for the frequent notices to “CLEAR OUT ASAP” is starting to get on the nerves of CBS Executives.
“Honestly, we’re all terrified of him,” reports Henry Blaze, a CBS Exec. “But there is not much we can do. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t hear us when we bring up the fact he isn’t really a CBS employee.”
“I guess we’ll just have to let things play out. Besides, he’s 90 years old. The way he’s aging, he’ll only be around another 100 years. Tops.”

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