By Jeremy Hoodaman
In one of the largest blunders in recent history, the New York Times printed a Sudoku puzzle that was impossible to solve in its September 16th paper. The disaster caused immeasurable amounts of damage, as enraged civilians destroy everything in their path. “THE SIX! IT DOESN’T GO ANYWHERE!” Local Cathy Griffin was heard yelling from atop her roof, shaking a pitchfork at the sky. “THE SIX SHOULD GO HERE, BUT I NEED THE FIVE THERE. AND IF I PUT IT HERE, I HAVE TWO SIXES IN THE SAME COLUMN! I CAN’T LIVE THIS WAY ANYMORE!” Cathy was later seen smashing local store windows and throwing cats into trees. “I DENOUNCE MY COUNTRY! I DENOUNCE MY RELIGION! I DENOUNCE MY FAMILY NAME!” screamed Ted Gaffigan, a prominent Chicago realtor, as he drove his BMW M3 into Lake Michigan.
Many of the nation’s airports have been shut down, as the volatile passengers refuse to get off the planes until they fill in all 81 squares. Hospitals have been unable to accommodate a surge of mentally unstable patients who are flooding the hospital. “They refuse to eat or drink, and they babble on about numbers and columns and boxes,” reports nurse Jenny Lake from Highland Park Hospital, “The sight of an eraser drives them insane”. Civilians living in large cities are advised to stay within their homes, as the iPhones of fuming businessmen rain down from the windows of tall buildings.
President Obama issued a somber address to the nation this morning, taking note that “…this catastrophe is the worst puzzle-related incident we’ve encountered since those dark, dark weeks of the Crossword Epidemic of ‘98”. President Obama has also signed off on Congress’ unanimous decision to declare war against Japan, whose “death puzzles” are singlehandedly responsible for the demise of our once-beautiful country.