By Shi “The Rock” Shi

San Diego Zoo—I can’t do it. I’m sorry America. I’m sorry China, and I’m sorry to all of the patrons at the San Diego Zoo. I’m especially sorry to all the pandas out there. Except Hua Mei. I will not mate with Hua Mei. I know you guys have really been hoping for a new set of panda twins, but it can’t be done.

I will not put up with Hua Mei’s antics. Everything has to be on her terms. WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE! THAT’S ALL SHE DOES! WHINE! And she only eats bamboo shoots of the slightest shade of green. She will only eat them when the sun is half covered by a cumulus cloud between the hours of 1:00 P.M.-1:25 P.M. precisely. She has to lay them out in sets of six and will only eat the middle sections of each one. I know that the rhinoceros across the way can attest to this behavior.

Hua Mei, more like NO WAY!

Hua Mei is the reason why we’re a dying species. Would you want to be forced to mate with someone named Hua Mei? I don’t think so.

If I were out in the wild, not only would we not mate, but I’d round up a ragtag bunch of Bamboo farmers and we’d boil a big pot of Hua Mei stew. Before we throw in a healthy helping of fresh Hua Mei meat right off the bone, we’ll rotisserie her to a simmer over an open fire. And as the chunks of Hua Mei meat cook to a golden crisp, we’d toss in the midsections of every bamboo shoot for miles around. And I’d enjoy every glorious morsel.

Am I being selfish? Yes.

Do I really understand the implications of my protest to mate? Indeed I do.

But will that stop me? No.

It’s not that I want to die, and it’s not that I don’t love kids. Believe me if I could have a bunch of little Shi Shi’s running around that would be a dream come true. But given the choice between Hua Mei or extinction, I’ll take extinction till the end of the species.

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