By Vernon Zexis
SAN FRANCISCO—After numerous steroid allegations that have been placed upon San Francisco Giants’ left fielder Barry Bonds since the 2001 season, Major League Baseball today realized they had him all wrong. George Mitchell, head of baseball’s new steroid investigation, held a startling press conference today to announce that Barry Bonds had been taking a substance long-known to increase strength and body mass.
“I am pleased to announce today that the investigation has been a smashing success,” said Mitchell. “While we cannot prove that Barry Bonds has taken steroids, we’ve been able to prove that he has eaten spinach, also a performance-enhancing substance.”
These allegations stunned a bewildered Barry Bonds, who is now in fear of suspension.
Bonds, contrary to popular belief, will not be the first baseball player indicted on charges of spinach. Popeye McGuire, who played in the 1950s on the Reds, was a little known slugger who ate spinach like it was his job. He hit seven home runs a game for the first fifteen games until they figured him out and erased all of his numbers from the record books.
The public wonders now…does that same fate await Barry Bonds?
“I never knowingly ate spinach,” said Barry Bonds during a recent batting practice interview. “And even if I did eat spinach, I could name for you at least fifty other sluggers who have. So there.”
Whether or not Barry Bonds’ records will be thrown out remains in question.
“This is only the second time baseball has dealt with a legitimate spinach allegation,” said Bud Selig, commissioner of Major League Baseball. “There are too many determining factors that come along with spinach, whether the spinach was creamed or in full leaf form, etc., etc. We’d have to look at the eating habits of nearly all of baseball’s past heroes, including Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and the great Honus Wagner in order to give Barry Bonds’s records true weight.”
An aging Popeye McGuire offered his opinion on the recent spinach scandal to make sure the nation’s youth doesn’t get the wrong message. “Back in my day, I thought I could eat spinach till the cows came home and there would be no problems about that,” said Popeye. “Now that I’m a decrepit old man, I see the mistakes of my past. Spinach is only temporary, eating right and exercising are the only way to make not only your body but also your mind stronger as well.”
Only time will tell whether these spinach allegations tarnish the career of Bonds, but for now, they linger as just slightly more than hearsay.