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New Bell Attracts Furry Woodland Creatures to DHS

By Picov Andropov

DEERFIELD, IL – A rapid decrease in the number of children in the school’s daycare has left many administrators puzzled. The daycare was at full capacity at the start of the year, but has since been cut in half. The Director of Daycare Affairs (and Assistant Snack and Milk Distributor) tells The Flipside that “said missing children are probably just sick from the twenty five year old Animal Crackers we fed to them, which we found hidden underneath the sippie cups.”

The DHS Biology department thinks otherwise, as they link the decrease in the daycare population to the new bell which has frustrated students and faculty. One study has shown that nearly every mammal present in the “Back 40 Ecosystem” is attracted to this new bell. Deer, bear, squirrel, and the like have been hanging around the school and are not easily “shooed” away. They instead appear to be fixated on the school during passing periods, as some have labeled the “deer in headlights” syndrome. “This new bell has a higher tone, one that is attracting animals. It mimics mating calls in some species,” says one Biologist.

More hungry animals means less little children.

This hypothesis makes sense considering the fact that DHS has had nineteen reported cases of pheasant attacks during gym classes this year. There is simply an overabundance of furry woodland creatures hanging around campus.

Only time will tell whether the missing children and new bell have a correlation. But really, who cares? They probably just got swallowed up outside of the WERCS during a passing period. The holding hands while walking in a single file line method can only go so far.

It is no surprise that School Chest has decided to give all proceeds to installing a security system for the daycare. What child is safe if he or she does not have a tracking device installed in his or her head (with remote detonation standard of course)?

Some words of advice: don’t leave food in your car and expect it to be there at 3:14.

December 15, 2008

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