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Entire Senior Class Held Back

By Angel Gilmore

DEERFIELD, IL—In an executive decision made by Dr. Roberto Floopdimallie, DHS principal extraordinaire, the entire senior class of 2006 will not be graduating this year.

“It was a tough decision, but I think it was for the best,” commented Floopdimallie, adjusting his necktie. “I mean, think about it. This way, we don’t have to deal with a graduation fiasco, like having them change the time and date on us or getting up really early or something.”

“I’m glad this happened too,” said Senior English teacher Geoffrey Rigtig. He explained his lack of feeling completely satisfied with the way this class received his teaching. “There’s just so much more I could have showed them. And what I did teach them I felt kinda didn’t penetrate their brains.”

While many teachers and administrative staff were pleased with the decision, a small majority of students expressed their discomfort with the proposal.

“WHAT IS HE THINKING?!?!” exploded senior Mel Levokol. “I can’t take another year being treated like I’m 16, I’m a whole year older, for goodness sakes! I’ve learned everything I’ll ever need to know!” The rest of Levokol’s commentary was unfortunately edited out so as not to get the Flipside in trouble. But you get the point that he’s a weensy bit angry.

Other teachers expressed their displeasure as well. “No offense to the students or anything, but I’m kinda sick of them,” said math teacher Harold Goddard. “I’ve been teaching these kids all year and it’s getting kind of boring. I want these students gone.”

Doubt has arisen regarding the situation with college acceptances. “Those planning on going on to a university in the fall will simply just have to wait,” college advisor Cindylou Bradford said. “They can still send in all their housing applications and scholarship applications, they just won’t get them until the next year.”

Bradford exhibits full confidence with the system, having individually called, notified, and received the acquiescence of every single school that DHS students are going to. They all, according to Bradford, approve of the situation.

“Yale was especially pleased,” noted Bradford. “It expects the best from its students, and taking an extra year for them to come in even more prepared is just what will help Yale look even better.”

Floopdimallie is not to be swayed by arguments pressing against the decision. His stance is firm and unchanging.

“I really think this will be best for the school, even if you guys don’t think it is now,” he said, “kind of like that schedule change. Besides, I think it will help those who did fail feel much better about themselves. We’re just a caring community like that.”

December 15, 2008

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