corruptionHistoric voter turnout and wasting more class time because of longer poll lines mark this year’s DHS mock election. The hype is huge for this hypothetical election (some WERC’s pollsters have termed it ‘hype’othetical). Moreover, a record number of phone-in votes have been made to the attendance office, as a surprisingly child-like voice calls himself, I mean his son, out of school. Let’s break down the numbers, which are detailed on the back page (where the games are) and on the web at

The down-to-earth, conservative science department and their respective homerooms are pouring out in huge numbers for Obama. The math lab has turned into Obama headquarters and they calculate that he leads in the overall Electoral College. They are sure he leads in the odd numbered states.

McCain has really focused his campaign on education and has been very physical about it, thus, holds a commanding lead in the athletics Department. He is also expected to sweep the Exhibition Gym, A-Deck, the North Gym, and the West Gym. Gym teacher Jim Speedball proclaims, “Obama has run out of time. He needed to pacer himself.” Also, the P.E. department has donated all their heart monitors to the McCain administration, but mostly to McCain himself.

Q-hall, or as insiders call it, Equality Q-hall, is not living up to its name. This hallway will go down to the wire, as economics teachers are urging students to vote for McCain’s sound fiscal policy and psych teachers are classically conditioning mock voters to side with Obama’s Freudian policies. History teachers, however, have surprisingly little input in this election, as it is too current for them.

McCain must win the swing hallways if he hopes to win the all-important mock election. Yet, statements like “Obama is change, I like Change, therefore by the associative property I like Obama,” by math teacher Ray Dian seems to put the normal battleground hall, lower X, out of reach.

The controversy over if Spanish-speaking homerooms get a vote has been resolved. The answer, of course, is no. Lo siento, pero the saying “si se pueda” only applies to English speaking voters. Furthermore, stunning endorsements like STUNTS performing Much Ado About McCain seem to have little effect beyond R-hall, where nobody goes to in the first place.

After all the mud slinging has dried up, mostly because the slew now lacks mud, E-hall and English homerooms are crying foul. They say if you analyze the deeper subtext, the applied art’s new overhead projector is clearly a symbol of hope. Hope, of course, only applies to Obama because no Republican ever had a legitimate shot of winning this election. This, along with business teachers urging their students to sell their votes due to high market value, has even the liberal E-hall in need of a works cited revision.

Alas, Mayor Daley had the final decision on DHS’s mock election. “I don’t see the point. Although most votes don’t matter, yours truly don’t matter. And what’s wrong with corruption?”

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