By Jeffrey Hoodaman

Several dozen students were enraged after the school administration announced last Tuesday the decision to merge the varsity boys’ football and basketball teams.

Upon receiving the news, linemen and guards alike were observed sobbing as they trudged through the hall dejectedly. Burly adolescent males embraced one another passionately, only stopping their whimpering to sneer at members of the other team as they walked by.

“This is freaking ridiculous,” said 6’ 2” center Coby Reynolds as he wiped tears from his eyes. “I heard the teams are be combined befor money reason… but won’t one big fasketball team—there’s no way we’re calling it bootball—be just as expensive as two separate teams?”

While boys on both sides are furious with the impend¬ing merger, others are not as upset. “It’s gonna be hilarious,” said Tim Johnson, a sophomore at DHS, “‘cause that’s gonna be utter chaos. Do they have to punt into the basket? And are they gonna play indoors with cleats on?

Currently, the administration has only issued their standard “because we said so…obviously” statement.

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