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Townsperson #4 Nervous for Musical

By George Minkowski Despite having no individual lines, wireless microphone, or exceedingly difficult dance moves, Sophomore Henry Wasserman is reportedly “pretty nervous” for tonight’s performance of All Shook Up. Wasserman,…

Deerfield Combines Varsity Boys’ Football & Basketball Teams

By Jeffrey Hoodaman Several dozen students were enraged after the school administration announced last Tuesday the decision to merge the varsity boys’ football and basketball teams. Upon receiving the news,…

Nobody Realizes Tollbooth Attendant Isn’t Wearing Pants

Bieber’s Bangs Announce Post-Haircut Solo Career