By George Minkowski
KABUL, AFGANISTAN— After devastating losses last week during an air raid, Taliban leaders decided to work out a peace treaty with the United States. The Taliban refused to turn in Osama bin Laden, apologize for 9/11, pay reparations, or give up their world famous beef kabob recipe, however, they promised no more killing.
“That’s good enough for us,” said Secretary of State, Hillary “Hill Dawg” Clinton. But shortly after signing the treaty, Taliban members realized that this new peace wasn’t “good enough” for them. Without the War on Terror, Taliban members would have to seek out new careers and the only company that hires terrorists is Halliburton. Sadly, they only have 14 spots for 4000+ well-qualified applicants.
So to stay entertained as they look for work and to satisfy their thirst for chaos and American suffering, the Taliban turned right around and waged a prank war on “The United States of Ameri-crap.”
Secretary of Defense Robert “Robbie-Bo-Bobby-Fo-Fi-Fo-Fobbie” Gates pleaded with the rogue terrorist organization to rescind their declaration of prank war to no avail. “It would be economically unwise for you to launch a full-scale prank attack and also super annoying,” he said in a radio address. In response, Taliban technical analysts took the recording and auto-tuned it to Katy Perry’s “Firework” making him look like a total idiot.
Gates fired back by increasing economic aid to Afghanistan and other countries with ties to the Taliban. Needless to say, people were not happy when they received their 926,000,000 Monopoly© dollars. (Despite the very favorable exchange rate.)
“Not cool,” said Afgahn Taliban leader Abdul Ghani “Kitty Kitty” Baradar. Baradar sent a tape to Al Jazeera condemning this prank and promising the United States will pay for this “monkey business.”
One of these plans, however, was intercepted and foiled by the CIA. Evidently, Taliban agents were planning on sneaking into Camp David and placing several diplomats’ hands in warm water as they slept. To do this, they enlisted the help of Michelle Obama who thought this was a “cute idea.”
Mrs. Obama turned out to be a double agent all along so the diplomats were never in any real danger of embarrassment. Still, this fact wasn’t much comfort to visiting Venezuelan president Hugo “Drama” Chávez who is scared enough of sleepovers as it is.
Unlike with the War on Terror where many battles are fought and done before the public even hears about it, this prank war has been incredibly conspicuous.
On President’s Day, American flags outside various public buildings were replaced with pirate flags. And when they tried to switch them back, public workers were kept away from the pole by a strange smell initially thought to be anthrax.
Officials are unable to locate or identify the source of the smell; they have only been assured it is not dangerous showing we have entered a new golden age in war.