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Emanuel Buys– I Mean Wins Chicago Mayoral Race

Taliban Wages Prank War on United States

By George Minkowski KABUL, AFGANISTAN— Af­ter devastating losses last week during an air raid, Taliban leaders decided to work out a peace treaty with the United States. The Taliban refused…

Area Teen Loves Lady GaGa For Some Reason

By Walter McDonald Despite the fact that Lady Gaga is an­noying and bad, area freshman George Trenton said yesterday that he still “loves” the famous pop star. “She is my…

Ke$ha’s Parents Proud of Her

Tourist Haggles Street Vendor’s Child Out of College Education

Area Man Reads Over Long Word Because “It’s Probably Not Important”