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Angry Birds Destroy Homes

By Jeremy Hoodaman

DECATUR, MI — De­catur police responded to an emergency call Wednesday morning after large birds smashed into several houses on Wil­low Street. There were no reports of injury but multiple homes sustained heavy damages.

Decatur resident Stephen Leonard witnessed the at­tacks as he was walking his dog. “All of a sudden there’s this loud squawking noise,” Leonard, told The Flipside, “and I look up and see a huge red bird just as it smashes into the house across the street. And let me tell you, that bird was angry. Like, really, really furious.”

The United States Depart­ment of Homeland Security has raised the terror alert level to “red” in reaction to a string of angry bird attacks across the country. Home­land Security Secretary Mi­chael Chertoff spoke at an emergency press conference on the imminent danger that the birds pose. “Let me be clear: we are dealing with terrorists here,” Chertoff said during an emergency press conference, “and unless we as Americans change our at­titudes, every standing struc­ture in the country risks be­ing toppled by these winged evil-doers.”

Chertoff urged citizens to flee their homes if they no­tice these rotund and enraged creatures hurtling towards them at top speeds.

February 13, 2011

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