By Jeremy Hoodaman
DECATUR, MI — Decatur police responded to an emergency call Wednesday morning after large birds smashed into several houses on Willow Street. There were no reports of injury but multiple homes sustained heavy damages.
Decatur resident Stephen Leonard witnessed the attacks as he was walking his dog. “All of a sudden there’s this loud squawking noise,” Leonard, told The Flipside, “and I look up and see a huge red bird just as it smashes into the house across the street. And let me tell you, that bird was angry. Like, really, really furious.”
The United States Department of Homeland Security has raised the terror alert level to “red” in reaction to a string of angry bird attacks across the country. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff spoke at an emergency press conference on the imminent danger that the birds pose. “Let me be clear: we are dealing with terrorists here,” Chertoff said during an emergency press conference, “and unless we as Americans change our attitudes, every standing structure in the country risks being toppled by these winged evil-doers.”
Chertoff urged citizens to flee their homes if they notice these rotund and enraged creatures hurtling towards them at top speeds.