By George Minkowski

DEERFIELD, IL – The 2009-2010 school year will be the last of a veteran French teacher here at Deerfield. As she leaves the classroom, she also leaves behind a hole to be filled. Who will teach her classes? That call was answered by the current World Languages department chair who has decided to return to the classroom. But who will run the entire department?

The administration, in an effort to appear sympathetic, put an ad on Craig’s List to fill the position. It said, “Yo, we need a dep’t chair ASAP. The pay ain’t good and the benefits… well we can’t offer you any benefits. Any takers?”

Surprisingly, there were no takers, but that didn’t discourage our benevolent leaders. They initially looked into appointing either a Ouija Board or Magic 8 Ball as department chair, but decided that would be rude to the teachers. They attempted to find a human to fill the position, but no teacher was really that enthusiastic about taking on a second full time job for no additional pay besides Celine Dion tickets.

Luckily, Auto-Pilot stepped up at the last minute. “Auto-Pilot is perfect for the job,” said an assistant principal. “We don’t need to pay it and it’ll keep the school going in the same direction it has been recently. I think we can all agree that this is a good thing.”

Several World Languages teachers attempted to voice their dissent in the administration’s decision, but the language barrier was too much to overcome.

“We were speaking English,” said a Spanish teacher. “I think they didn’t understand how to deal with criticism.”
“No Español,” said the administrator.

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