Socialize

Local Man Dies from Senior-Citizen-Itis

By Buford Stetson

HIGHLAND PARK, IL – A lot of things changed for former Deerfield resident Mike White when he turned sixty-five in 2010. All of a sudden, he didn’t have to worry about getting caught with his fake 1944 ID when he was trying to get a discount on the grand slam breakfast at Denny’s. His workload started to decrease, but he would get paid anyway. But, most importantly, his will to keep pushing started to fade. Sure being a senior citizen was nice, but there was so much to look forward to after that. Heaven would be like one big party: you live there all the time, the facilities are totally sick, and campus police are pretty much nonexistent. And since White knew he could get in no matter what he did his senior-citizen years, he simply gave up trying and just had fun. He laughed at the younger people who were still working.

He boasted that “senior-citizens 2010 rule!” and that it was just about the “Young adults’ bedtime.” This last chant was particularly ironic, since the young adults were out practically all night and White could barely stay up to watch the CBS Nightly News before he collapsed in a pile of coupons from the local grocery store.

Unfortunately, just last month, White kicked the bucket at age 65. After he picked the bucket back up, he passed away. When his grandson threw the ball back to him, White made a final push, but gave up. He did not catch the ball. It was at that point in time he decided to check out early. After he left the hotel, he was knocking on Heaven’s door within a couple hours. His wife, Heaven, was very happy to see him and

April 25, 2010

Share This Post