By Pierre Forte
Steve “Happy” Wallenberg, manager of Happy’s Pizzeria, gained 100 points last night after hitting a deer as he drove home from work.
Pedestrians watched as Wallenberg’s Jeep Cherokee plowed through the helpless deer. Wallenberg’s unidentified accomplice, sitting in the passenger seat, was reported to have rolled down the window and screamed “NOOBS!” as the car pulled away.
The deer, miraculously uninjured, hopped up and dashed into a nearby backyard. The pwnage, however, was done.Wallenberg’s successful manuever brings his streak to 12, forcing authorities to deem him as being “on fire.”
“This man is a monster,” says Jeff Bringham, owner of local Pet Supplies Plus, “and I don’t agree with the way he’s going about getting his points. Sure, more mundane activities like cooking and playing beach volleyball only rack several points, but I am ethically opposed to driving into living things.”
However, Bringham admittedly only has 42,500 points. Wallenberg, on the other hand, has a local high score of 850,2500 points.
Wallenberg could not be reached for comments, but authorities guess that he will likely attempt to reach 1,000,000 points within the coming weeks in the hopes of leveling up and becoming a Grandmaster.
For now, authorities are doing all that they can to protect the deer and prevent any more from being KO’d.