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Driver Hits Deer, Scores 100 Points

By Pierre Forte

Steve “Happy” Wallenberg, man­ager of Happy’s Pizzeria, gained 100 points last night after hitting a deer as he drove home from work.

Pedestrians watched as Wal­lenberg’s Jeep Cherokee plowed through the helpless deer. Wal­lenberg’s unidentified accomplice, sitting in the passenger seat, was reported to have rolled down the window and screamed “NOOBS!” as the car pulled away.

The deer, miraculously unin­jured, hopped up and dashed into a nearby backyard. The pwnage, however, was done.Wallenberg’s successful man­uever brings his streak to 12, forc­ing authorities to deem him as be­ing “on fire.”

“This man is a monster,” says Jeff Bringham, owner of local Pet Sup­plies Plus, “and I don’t agree with the way he’s going about getting his points. Sure, more mundane ac­tivities like cooking and play­ing beach volleyball only rack several points, but I am ethi­cally opposed to driving into living things.”

However, Bringham admittedly only has 42,500 points. Wallen­berg, on the other hand, has a local high score of 850,2500 points.

Wallenberg could not be reached for comments, but authorities guess that he will likely attempt to reach 1,000,000 points within the com­ing weeks in the hopes of leveling up and becoming a Grandmaster.

For now, authorities are doing all that they can to protect the deer and prevent any more from being KO’d.

December 6, 2010

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