Student Loses Handbook, Can’t Remember To Buy A New One

By Buford Stetson
DEERFIELD, IL – Local Freshman John Morris lives a very organized life. He does all of his math homework (even if the teacher is not checking it in), he uses free periods to do homework for a future day, and he scrawls every assignment he receives in his official Deerfield High School Student Handbook. Most teachers consider John an ideal student. I consider him a loser, but that’s beside the point.
Last Wednesday, John misplaced his student handbook and has yet to recover from the consequences. New handbooks are for sale at the bookstore for a fairly reasonable price of $8, but John cannot get another one. John became so reliant on his student handbook that he can’t seem to remember anything not written down in it. John can’t look in his lost handbook, so he can’t find a new one. While this predicament has led John to a certain level of stress, he has finally begun to embrace the lives of upperclassmen.
In this short week, John has learned new ways to remember his homework. He now relies on the girls in his classes since they cannot seem to pass up an opportunity to write in pink high lighter. John now has an excuse to talk to all the hottest girls also. Unfortunately, he has yet to learn what their response of “no prob” to his thank you text message implies. What they type is no prob. What they think is more along the lines of “I am not interested in you. Please do not try and force a conversation out of your inability to use pink highlighter.” Don’t worry John. Younger girls always want to talk to you. And I heard the seventh graders this year are pretty hot.

March 20, 2010

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