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Local Teen Forced to Explain the Various Bases to Parents

By George Minkowski

DEERFIELD– After becoming fed up with not understanding the baseball metaphors for sex in teen movies, two local parents worked up the courage to ask their son what it all meant.

Billy and Sandy Reaves initiated the awkward conversation with their son, Jason, at dinner last Thursday night. The moments that ensued reportedly felt like they lasted for hours and will certainly not be soon forgotten by either party.
The first question asked was what “first base” was. Jason instantly understood the question but hoped he was wrong in his interpretation. He responded by giving a brief description of baseball. Unfortunately for him, his parents were already familiar with America’s past-time.

“No, silly,” said Sandy Reaves. “‘First base’ in relationships.”

Jason mustered up the courage to describe “first base” as just “hooking up,” but that only raised more questions.

“What’s ‘hooking up’?” asked Billy Reaves.

“Kill me,” responded Jason.

The three sat at the table trying to communicate across generations until they finally arrived at a mutual definition of “hooking up.”

“I really understood what Jason was saying when he put it in Harry Potter terms,” Sandy Reaves told Flipside reporters. “First base is like ‘snogging.’”

Jason frequently tried to excuse himself from the table but wasn’t permitted until they got to the bottom of the whole “nth base thing.”

The entire ordeal lasted around 15 minutes, the bulk of the time being spent on explaining second base. However, Jason somehow managed to get the point across without mentioning human beings.

Both Billy and Sandy Reaves reported feeling “much better after having this conversation.” Jason, on the other hand, could not be reached for comment as he is currently barricaded inside of his room.

March 20, 2010

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