By Elijah Brisk
Nathan Hurwitz, a freshman on the Deerfield High School Football team, went missing late Saturday morning. He was last seen by his teammates running sprints while humming “Party in the U.S.A.” softly to himself at around 11:15 am on the football field.
There is much speculation as to what may have happened to Nathan. The most probable explanation is that he ran across the 50-yard line and was sucked into that muddy black hole and spit out into another, better universe where the football fields are made up of grass, and only grass.
That mud had been plaguing the football players for the past week after the days upon days of non-stop rain. Varsity linebacker Rick Short gave us his imput on the situation after the team’s recent victory over Glenbrook North. “Don’t go near there, man. That place is dangerous. Why won’t the school fix our field? We are playin in 98 percent mud every game!” As Short spoke, I couldn’t help but notice the frog desperately trying to escape from the hardened mud that had caked on his arm. Short did not seem to notice or mind. The school declined to comment.
The school has decided to call off the search if Hurwitz is not found by Thursday. Some students say that if you listen carefully, you can still hear him humming “Party in the U.S.A.” just like he was doing that fateful night.