By George Minkowski
Tuesday morning during homeroom, a totally legitimate research facility run evidently by 4th and 5th graders came out with new information about how to prevent the transmission of the H1N1 virus. But with homeroom lasting for only 12 minutes, the young scientists didn’t have time to communicate perhaps their most important message: Cooties kills, and if you don’t watch out for icky girls or gross boys, you could become infected.
In their 412-page report entitled, “Cooties: The Silent Killer,” the researchers cite talking to members of the opposite sex as the most likely cause for the spread of Cooties. This assertion renders the Holding Hands Hypothesis null.
Deerpark student Teddie Finn has three girlfriends and is relieved that he can now hold hands with them. “My girlfriends are Samantha, Jessica, and Ms. Ellis. I want to marry them all and hold their hands,” Teddie tells us. “But my friend Joey told me that if I hold their hands I will get Cooties… and that polygamy is illegal in the state of Illinois. I’m so happy I can hold their hands now, and then talk to them as soon as I get my Cooties vaccination shot.”
The inoculation that Teddy is referring to will be available for the general public within 3 weeks and will cost 2 snack-packs per shot. Most health insurance companies will cover the cost is you ask really nice.
Although the vaccine was clinically tested and has a 98% success rate, some are taking a more conservative approach in ensuring their health. These individuals will be pulling their co-ed classmates’ hair and directing their misplaced sexual feelings towards their caregivers. (Thank you for telling me that, AP Psych.)
Others at risk for Cooties are refusing to get the shot because they throw up at the doctor’s office or have such a small risk for contracting the Cooties virus that it’s not even worth it. Those with little risk for getting the Cooties virus are, according to the study, also the most likely to eat boogers and be bad at four-square.
Many parents, however, are denying the validity of these findings claiming that there is no such thing as Cooties. Obviously these parents haven’t seen that the scientists responsible for the study have been dressed up in lab coats and have access to expensive laboratory machinery.
At least the school takes these future Nobel Prize winners for what they are: geniuses. And adorable.

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