By Picov Andropov

DEERFIELD, IL – The tremendous six inches of snowfall last Wednesday was enough to cancel school at DHS and HPHS, but it did not stop the members of School Chest from trying to take our/raise (circle one) money. Over ninety percent of its members arrived at school despite the computerized phone call at 5:31 telling them that school was closed. “We already preordered like forty pizzas to be delivered from Il Forno’s,” said the School Chest spokesperson. “It’s not an option not to try to sell them just because of some snow. We have a duty here and we intended to fulfill that duty.”

With no students to consume the pizza and the various fruit juices and overpriced coffees, School Chest executives executed plan B. Nearly half of the student body received phone calls from DHS which solicited pizza sales. “As if it’s not enough that they are constantly all up in my grill. But now they be callin’ at my house…for pizza…pizza which I couldn’t even eat…because I’m lactose-intolerant…that’s low man,” said one DHS Senior.

Despite its efforts, School Chest sold nothing. Mr. Stevens, head of the DHS Business Department, explained the consequences of School Chest’s actions: “When there is no way to reach your target market, you can’t sell anything. And when you can’t sell anything, you can’t make money. That’s what business is all about…money.”

Actually, it is projected that when the school receives its monthly statement, School Chest will have actually lost money on the Snow Day, $1543.23 to be exact. To compensate for the deficit on last week’s Snow Day, iFlurtz will be raising its price to $40 per person. If this fails, School Chest will lobby for school to continue a day into the scheduled winter break. I mean we just have to make more money than last year. We just have to. What will people think of us if we don’t?

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