New Obnoxious Bells Designed to Get Seniors Out Faster, Among Other Things

DEERFIELD, IL—With only about one quarter left, Deerfield High School’s evil overlords decided to replace the bells with a new sound called “death bomb warning.” Besides the simple joy teachers get of seeing students scream in terror every passing period, the new “belltone” has many intended side effects.

First and foremost, the bell has given extra motivation to seniors to not show up. Math teacher Abby Wolf explains, “By now the seniors in my class are basically checked out, all they needed was a little Guantanamo style bell tactics to push them out the door.”

Another beneficiary of the new Satan-bells is the attendance office. Many in the attendance office were reported as being lonely and depressed before the Helen Keller designed bells were installed; now they are found constantly barraged with parents (who often have surprisingly childlike voices and giggles) calling their students out of school. According to Martha Van Dyke, “I haven’t felt this important since senior ditch day.”

However, not everything is positive with the new Voldemort bells. Some faculty feel that it does not do enough to torture the students and much more extreme measures should be taken. Science teacher Ben Frankfurter suggests, “We should go back corporal punishment, or at the very least give me my trap door button back. I miss seeing students disappear directly in front of my eyes.”

Additionally, all of the teachers have been pleasantly surprised at the number of students the bell has rudely awoken from slumber during a lecture. “It’s like my alarm-clock friend,” remarked one History teacher.

December 15, 2008

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